Christ rolled His eyes and ordered another scotch

The Pentagon's procurement apparatus is usually compared to a symphony of angels and archangels playing eternal hymns of heavenly perfection, which are very pleasing to the Lord.

What, then, does one do if he looks upon his creation and finds it perfect, in want of nothing? If you find yourself in this situation and your earthly domain is oversight of the Defense Department, you should apparently seize the nearest 30-foot concrete cross and give a silly speech:

The memorial, pursuant to President Bush's signature became owned by the United States of America, its going to be owned by the Department of Defense, and we think that memorial, with that rugged old cross stays in place as a result of the President's signing the bill.

These remarks Monday, delivered by House Armed Services Committee Chairman Duncan Hunter (R-Prussia) at the Mount Soledad Cross in San Diego, are meant to remind Americans of the whole and utter futility of democracy. When elected officials like Hunter completely run out of work to do, they start filling the Pentagon with all kinds of clutter. The rugged old cross in question will doubtless end up on the lawn with the rusted washing machines, broken down Chevy Novas and mangy children of unknown parentage.

Of course, the folks next door have found another way to keep busy. Mr. Rumsfeld's tea with the Senate Armed Services Committee a few weeks ago was mentioned all the notable society pages. Tedious matters of Oriental administration were discussed and cucumber sandwiches were served. Mrs. Clinton's Social Register made special note of the Oolong orange tea, which was, by all accounts, very nice.

Mr. Hunter's preference for theological pursuits over his official responsibilities is perfectly understandable. His Eastern San Diego County district is home to the prestigious Institute for Creation Research, the Center for Reclaiming America for Christ and important officials in the White Aryan Resistance movement. Additionally, Mr. Hunter was one of the first lawmakers to recognize the Damascus-Karachi-Tijuana terror superhighway, and, as such, works tirelessly to thwart the Sombrero Menace.

Mr. Hunter is nothing if not responsive to the wishes of his constituents, who see the Mt. Soledad Cross as a central front in the War on Priorities. At a recent Mt. Soledad rally, Rees Lloyd of the Defense of Veterans Memorials Project of the American Legion mused on the spontaneous wrath of the [American] people:

Today we are giving notice to every agnostic and every atheist, every mincing self-appointed, self righteous secular attorney or member of the ACLU that we are going to fight, we're going to fight you in every court action and if we have to we're going to fight you in the streets, but we will win in the end.

Two Unitarian churches and one French bakery were destroyed later that afternoon in what the San Diego County Sheriff's Department described as "The birth pangs of a new East County."

Fellow San Diego-area Congressman Brian Bilbray offered Hunter his full support:

I am very proud to have worked with people like Duncan Hunter fighting to preserve this memorial to the men and women who have served, not just in Korea but all over the world. Now is the time that we need the White House to intervene, now is the time to have the White House finally take possession of this national memorial.

Readers may recognize Brian Bilbray's name from coverage of the recent special election that returned him to Congress upon the early retirement of Rep. Randy "Duke" Cunningham. An devout scholar of the principals of the K-Street project, Mr. Cunningham understood and challenged the inherent socialist impulse behind laws designed to criminalize the relationship between his elected office and his appetite for tasteless faux baroque furniture and yachts.

Mr. Cunningham did more than just occasionally bump into Mr. Hunter at Roger Hedgecock's fascist puppet radio program during his years in office. Chairman Hunter once called up Pentagon officials encouraging them to reconsider a decision not to award a nearly $10 million contract to Brent Wilkes' (hereafter "Co-Conspirator #1") San Diego defense contracting firm ADCS, Inc. The officials quickly saw the error of their ways and awarded Wilkes one of his first, and by no means last, phat defense contract. A cursory Google search reveals Defense Department officials are paid salaries allocated in a budget overseen by the House Armed Services Committee, chaired by Mr. Hunter. One may safely assume Mr. Cunningham appreciated Mr. Hunter's effort, as there was a strong positive proportional correlation between health of Mr. Wilkes' company and Mr. Cunningham's adventures in prostitutes, limousines and hotel rooms.

Unlike Mr. Cunningham, Mr. Hunter and Mr. Wilkes remain unindicted and unimprisioned, and Mr. Wilkes is expected to keep a slightly frenzied travel schedule lately. Mr. Wilkes has been subpoenaed in the Texas prosecution of Tom DeLay regarding some sort of accounting mixup and Mr. Wilkes' hiring of Mr. DeLay's wife to lobby the Navy on his company's behalf. Mr. DeLay's wife is of course a respected scientist specializing in ultrasound navigation systems and dolphin neurobiology.

While this unseemliness is expected and routine in the truculent Lower Chamber, Mr. Wilkes' checkbook was rather more ambitious. He raised $100,000 for the 2004 Bush campaign, earning the "Pioneer" designation, which ranks somewhere between Weblo Scout and Oberstgruppenführer.

In the end, history will likely remember Mr. Wilkes for the entirely hookerless, non-ironic poker parties he hosted at the Watergate Hotel with high school pal Kyle "Dusty" Foggo, who was, until recently, Executive Director of the Central Intelligence Agency before his abrupt resignation around the time of Cunningham's sentencing in May.

May has long been known as the abrupt resignations season, according to former congressman and onetime CIA Director Porter Goss, who resigned a few days before Foggo in order to concentrate on improving his deck shuffling skills.

Thankfully for Mr. Hunter, Mr. Goss presided over a brief but catastrophic dismantling of the CIA, which should help prevent its remaining officials from stirring up trouble concerning the Administration's case for war in Iraq. Such officials apparently forget responsibility for asking such questions belongs to our elected officials.

The House Armed Services Committee has no hearings scheduled anytime soon, though reports suggest members are considering taking custody of Roy Moore’s Ten Commandments monument and relocating it to Baghdad to restore law and order to the country.