From the Vault: A Brief Statement Regarding the Election

[Note: This statement was originally issued Nov. 3, 2004. It is republished here for historical purposes]

As we reflect on the dark events of the past two days, I am compelled to share an experience with you. My goal here is to help explain how our once happy lives have now become buried under an avalanche of Wal-Mart aprons, stock-car racing paraphernalia and Army recruiting brochures.

I don't usually watch Fox News or the local news. Last night, some of the local stations were running the Fox News election coverage. This was my introduction to our special American flavor of state-run television. How it makes one long for the bravado and self-effacing irony of the Soviet propaganda machine! Shepard Smith was the anchor (no relation). He has sort of a preacher's charm and knife salesman's savvy. Not an overwhelmingly disagreeable fellow. I'm sure he was being watched in at least as many homes as Brokaw, if not many thousands more (especially if you count factory-built homes and detention facilities). They were discussing Alaska's status, and the refreshingly authoritative Mr. Smith (everyone just calls him "Shep," because he's such a nice guy) reminded his molasses-filled viewers that, "Alaska went strongly for Gore in the last election..." and then, sensing that something might be a little off, added, "Correct me if I'm wrong." It is a shame he wasn't directing that last comment at The Deity, because the correction that came was not nearly drastic nor metaphysical enough. As any half-aware person knows, Democrats in Alaska are routinely fed to polar bears. This leaves few, if any, on hand to ever vote for ANWR swilling Bolsheviks like Misters Gore and Kerry.

A few minutes later, Ol' Shep cheerfully galloped his way into the kind of zinger one likes to avoid having after sixth grade or so.... A helpful map was displayed as a visual aide in discussing the remaining states in play. Unfortunately, someone in the control room forgot to type in the name of each state in bright flashing cartoon letters as a visual aide for Shep. This caused confusion and a brief but noticeable panic. While Shep-on-the-Spot was able to quickly and confidently identify Nevada as being in play, turning to the squigglier of the grey states took our hero into deeper and colder water. Whether it was nervousness or habit that prompted him to pee at this point is anyone's guess. Rather than get muddled by the abstract geographical theories imposed by liberal university professors, Shep wisely avoided walking into the trap in front of him. He gracefully steered discussion of the state of play in Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan and Ohio into the kind of no-nonsense, hard-hitting reporting viewers rely on Fox News for: "And those states up there in the upper right hand corner... we're gonna be watching those too."

I suppose I could have lived with it if he had at least gotten the basic dimensions of the map approximately right. As you may be aware, the region in question isn't so much in the upper right corner of the country as much as it is in the north-central and slightly eastern section of the middlewest which bookish NPR types sometimes refer to as the Great Lakes. The problem with lakes, as you may further be aware (particularly great lakes), is that they lack a sufficient mermaid-princess population to be the stuff of great literature and animated films. This accounts for Mr. Smith's rather inexpert command of the brightly-colored picture map last night. I'm not sure if this episode is a metaphor, a meta-theme, a microcosm or just another amusing window into the plainly decorated suburban White Protestant home that seems to now forcefully dictate the course of public policy in the United States. The upside, of course, is that the pants at Wal-Mart feature adjustable elastic waistbands, which is handy, since patriotic-themed popcorn buckets will be on sale now through Inauguration Day. Ask an associate for details. There is no limit per household.